Searching for discipline

Blogging scares me. 

There, I've said it. Can I give any rational reasons for my fear? Probably not, but then I've never really thought about it before now.

I think the fear stems from the fact that blogging is such a personal endeavor, almost like writing in a diary, which you share with anyone who happens upon your words. I was never very good at keeping a diary when I was younger. Except in fifth grade, when Mrs. Willman handed out those black and white composition books on the third day of class and informed us that we would be writing in them every week. The kicker was, she would respond to us. It would be like having a pen pal but saving a boatload of money on postage stamps.

I remember the first thing I wrote, an embellished story of my summer vacation spent at my aunt's house. The embellishment: her house was a mansion on the coast with a private beach and a speedboat. The reality: the house was a goldenrod yellow Cape with an in-ground pool and an awesome cabana. My cousin Amanda and I spent so much time in the pool her normally shiny blonde hair turned wicked-witch green. 

My journaling for the rest of the year followed the same routine. I don't know if Mrs. Willman believed everything I wrote, or if she suspected that I wasn't nearly as cool as I wanted her to think and just didn't say anything. I do know that I never journaled again after fifth grade, even though I would create characters and story lines in my head.

Losing the scant discipline that journaling instilled in me has affected me to this day. I have a difficult time getting the stories out of my head. I can tell you, from start to finish, exactly what my story is about, but once I get ten or fifteen pages written, I fizzle.

Then, when I go back to the project, I’m too worked up about what has already been created that I have to perfect it before I can move on. I end up changing things too much that it no longer resembles my original thoughts.

This is my downfall. I get stuck on perfecting each little piece instead of waiting for the whole project to take shape.

I hope that I can use this blog to create some discipline in my writing life. If that discipline wants to help me elsewhere, so be it. But I need to find it and hang on tight.